Procrastinating

I'm supposed to be writing a paper today.

The Use of Sexuality to Evoke Terror in the Gothic Novel

That's what I have so far! Well, not really. I have gone through both of the novels I am to use and collected up quotes and so on ... found the places in which sexuality is used to evoke terror, in other words. And I have downloaded a bunch of reference articles - we have to use at least two.... I have many, because that's about all I accomplished yesterday as well.

I have to get something down on paper... but it's just not coming and I am getting very very very frustrated.

The computer I was supposed to be fixing this weekend is also not co-operating and I am getting very very very frustrated.

About the only thing that I have accomplished in days, really, is that I did manage to get off my arse and go for a walk last night. Now that I don't have to be home for D., thought it would be a good idea to take the dog and start walking up to meet R. on his way home from work again. I used to do that - before the hospital, and before D. couldn't be left on her own ...and we both enjoyed it.

I haven't turned msn on. Don't feel like talking. I had no patience for phone calls yesterday - none! Ended up hanging up on J. ... bad timing on her part, mostly. Tried to lay down and have a nap in the afternoon and every time I actually managed to doze off the phone rang. She was the third person to wake me up!

Why am I so bluddy miserable? Nothing is going right. I have so much to get done and I just can't seem to do any of it.

It's not like D. was my mother. If anything, she was a burden I should be glad to be relieved of - and I shouldn't feel guilty about that because she would never have opted to become a burden; to lose any semblance of dignity, to live with so little left. We did the best we could for her, and she stayed at home, the way she wanted to.

I am not supposed to be so miserable. I am supposed to be writing papers, fixing computers, making up for lost time.

It's just not working.